Bridges not Boxes

When I first learned about the emotional armour I wear (many years ago), I pictured it like a metallic suit made of hurt, anger and fear. It was strong and thick and although I knew it weighed me down and kept me isolated, I really loved it.

It had kept me alive through some very difficult years.

With time I came to realize that it also kept me lonely and in a state of constant vigilance. It had been a great ally, but I didn’t need it anymore.

So, with trepidation, I made the decision to take it off.

This was not as easy as I thought it might be. It was a process that took years and was more about building bridges and connections, than it was about ripping off a bandaid. It was slow and laborious.

It was learning how to reach out to friends, ask for help (and accept it), cry, come out as non-binary…

And slowly, piece by piece, the armour came off. I was lighter, more connected and dumbfounded.

Because, under the armour wasn’t the soft, vulnerable skin, fragile and raw, stinging in the light of day, that I had expected to find.

Under the armour, was still more armour.

Shedding my armour wasn’t like taking off a metallic suit, it was more like being a dragon and shedding outer scales to reveal another layer underneath.

These scales are thinner, more porous and a lot lighter, but still, they’re armour.

But now, I think I might be ready to shed another layer.

I might be ready to accept that I am a highly sensitive person (HSP).

When my wife first told me about the research around HSP a couple of years ago, my reaction was anger (and probably a good dose of fear).

Now we’re pathologizing sensitivity? No thanks. I didn’t need one more label, one more way in which I’d tried and failed to be normal.

I had worked hard over the years to be less sensitive. I had taught myself not to cry, I had done hot yoga and regular saunas to become less sensitive to heat and Wim Hof to become less sensitive to the cold, increased my pain threshold by learning to ignore it. I could push through and keep up.

I was strong and independent. I was NOT going to be labeled highly sensitive.

Then, a few months ago, I started actually reading about HSP and cried for a long time.

First, I grieved for the imaginary me I’d hoped to become. A me who liked parties and rollercoasters. A me who could say yes impulsively without hours of research. A me who could keep up in this world of more, faster, louder, stronger.

Next, I grieved for the sensitive me that I’d tried to squash and hide for so long. The slow, cautious, easily-overwhelmed, gentle, quiet me that I’d always been ashamed of.

Through my grieving, a voice of curiosity pushed through from the back of my mind.

If being highly sensitive was such a burden, why would 15-20% of the population be born that way? Were we just canaries in the coal mine? What was the point in having so many HSPs in a world that prized speed, bravery, boldness and toughness?

So, I started to read, and truthfully, I’m still learning, but I can tell you that the HSP trait exists in over one hundred different animal species (there are even highly sensitive fruit flies!). For me, this information brought some peace. I do not trust the warped journey of human evolution, but nature, her I trust implicitly.

HSPs are great nurturers, listeners and problem solvers (when we’re not overwhelmed). We’re drawn to the arts and to nature and tend to be curious and creative. Our intuition runs deeply and we’re safety experts in whatever we do.

But, we need to everything to slow the fuck down!

We’re sensitive to ALL the stimuli in our environment and because of this we get overstimulated and overwhelmed quickly and easily. We need time to recharge, we need time to make decisions, we need time alone.

We need time.

We need space to be allowed to be sensitive.

We're the canaries in the coal mine and we’re here to tell you that this lifestyle of more, faster, louder, stronger is not working.

We need society to stop building boxes to tuck away all the ‘neurodiverse’ and start building bridges so we can all be seen and heard.

Less, slower, quieter, gentler. 

Think about it.