I hear a lot of people talk about the trials of the teen years. Some are in the midst of the struggle with their young person, but many others are just anticipating the difficulties of raising teens.
It’s completely true that every stage of life has its challenges. It’s also completely true that every stage of life has its magic.
Toddlers for instance are incessant, busy, demanding and illogical. Their little bodies are coursing with hormones (they double in size in just a couple years!) and brimming with new and strange emotions. Toddlers have to learn how to talk, walk, run, jump, share, and understand that the world exists outside of their immediate needs and wants.
It’s hard work being a toddler, but, at least the hard work is generally met with kindness and compassion. People are gentle, patient and understanding with their toddlers. They hold them and reassure them, even when they make mistakes or a big mess.
Being a teenager is also hard work. They have to learn that the world is made up of many shades of gray. They have to learn how to fit into the world of social interactions and expectations. Hormones are coursing through their bodies and they’re brimming with new and strange emotions.
The teenage years should be called toddler 2.0 and should be met with the same kindness and compassion that we show the little ones.
Teenagers are not strange destructive monsters, they’re just kids coping with the transition from childhood to adulthood. They’re both invincible and wracked with insecurity. They’re both curious and afraid.
As a culture, we tend to be antagonistic towards teenagers. We paint them all as moody, irrational, emotional, destructive and shut down and then we’re surprised when that’s exactly how they act (self-fulfilling prophecy much?).
If you have a teenager in your life, know that they care deeply about what you think of them (even if they can’t let themselves be vulnerable enough to show it). They want your acceptance and your approval. They want you to be interested in their hobbies and activities.
Just like you, they want connection, compassion and respect.
This doesn’t mean that they wont be assholes sometimes. This doesn’t mean that they won’t make huge mistakes and epic messes.
They need to make those mistakes in order to learn.
We need them to make those mistakes because we want them to be able to successfully find their way in a complex and demanding world.
The more we model kindness and compassion in the face of difficult moments, the more kindness and compassion will be a part of the model they take out into the world (do as I say, not as I do is NOT a thing).
Growing up is hard, parenting is hard, but the more we can realize that we’re actually all playing on the same team, the more room there is for meaningful relationships to grow.
If we offer up kindness and compassion to our teens (and to ourselves), then there is space for all the things that are hard to soften (at least a little).
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